“If you place a heavy iron on a heart-shaped pillow, the buoyant pillow becomes pressed down – ‘depressed.’ But the next day, if you remove the iron, the pillow pops right back to its original form. However, if you wait to remove the iron for months, the pillow will not spring back to its original shape. Instead, the pillow will be flat and stay depressed. A pillow, which can sustain temporary pressure, is not designed to hold its shape for long under heavy pressure. The same is true for the human heart.”
— “Depression” by June Hunt
During my first couple years of marriage, I had severe depression. Unbeknownst to me, I had all the signs.
Sickness. My immune system was so weak from stress that I got shingles at 23.
Fatigue. All I wanted to do was sleep. It was the only thing that stopped my negative thinking.
Excessive crying. About anything & everything and I wasn’t a crier before this time.
Anger. I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart and I wanted to stab back.
Escaping. I over-indulged in movies, music and celebrities. I only wanted people to entertain me and make me laugh.
Loss of appetite. For the first time in my life, I didn’t enjoy eating. It felt like such a chore. That first year, I lost about 30 pounds.
Hopelessness. I didn’t see a point to living. Normal disappointments were crushing for me. My lows went real low.
Suicidal thoughts.
Insecurity. I could barely bring myself to speak to people. I couldn’t make jokes because I was insecure and I couldn’t share thoughts because I was so confused with what was going on with me.
Headaches/migraines. Every day. Headaches became my normal and I just learned to live with them. Medicine didn’t help.
This is not an exhaustive list of depression symptoms but this is what some of them looked like in me.
My lowest moment was when I felt ready to follow through with plans to end my life. I went to sleep in the middle of the day just so that I wouldn’t go through with it. When my husband came home from work, I woke up and the first words that came out of my mouth were, “I need a counselor.” At the time, I didn’t know anyone around me that went to counseling. God put those words right into my mouth.
I went to a counselor and my husband removed or hid certain items from me for my protection.
The first counselor I went to was not a good fit for me. It took me a month to muster the courage to try again. My second try was a fit and for the next couple years what helped keep me alive was God and counseling.
Now, I have two babies that wouldn’t be here if I didn’t get help and I advocate for all things mental health.
When you’re depressed, your mind is sick. It doesn’t think healthy thoughts. Your mind needs help, nurturing and correcting. If you need help with this (or know someone that does), please contact a local counselor or Branches Counseling Center in Murfreesboro, TN at 615-904-7170. If you need emergency assistance, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or text HOME to 741-741.
Here are a couple verses that have brought me hope throughout my mental health journey:
“Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us.” — 2 Corinthians 1:9-10
“I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.” — Isaiah 42:16
Don’t give up. God loves you.
Five Is Fine 